


Still sleeping like we're lovers

by VanillaKiss



Category: BTOB
Genre: Based on a song, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26068369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaKiss/pseuds/VanillaKiss
Summary: “Two feet standing on a principleTwo hands longing for each others warmth”(Daughter - Still)
Relationships: Jung Ilhoon/Yook Sungjae
Kudos: 8





	Still sleeping like we're lovers

**Author's Note:**

> for iljaeweekaugust20

It’s not love. It’s just attachment.

That’s what everyone tells them. But is it?

Ilhoon stands in front of the closet, staring at his clothes. The suitcase is already there, open, waiting for Ilhoon to fill it with his clothes.

But he can’t move. No matter how much he wants to pack his things up and leave, he just can’t do it. His heart is telling him not to do it.

He sighs and closes the suitcase. 

Waking up in the same bed, going to work, many times together, then coming back late at night and sleep in the same bed again while having fights constantly. It’s like a never-ending circle. 

They always get told by others, especially by the other members that they should just let go. They’ve been suffering for too long now. They deserve to be with someone who they love and who loves them back equally and mutually. But what could they do if for them that someone is each other? For Ilhoon, Sungjae is the one he loves and who loves him back, just as for Sungjae, it’s Ilhoon who he loves and who loves him back.

At least that’s what they believe. Or maybe they just want to believe it...

Going out with other people would be pointless. They both know they couldn’t love them as they love each other. It’s that faint hope that there could still be a spark of love left somewhere between the cruel words, planted somewhere deep inside their hearts. 

“I was busy,” Sungjae yells.

“You always say this, but not like we didn’t have the same schedule in the past three days,” Ilhoon snorted. “It was supposed to be your turn, but to no one’s surprise, it was me who had to do it.”

A fight. Just like almost every day. It almost felt like it became a habit over the years. It started with more serious things, but now they can fight about the smallest things. Like the laundry which was supposed to be Sungjae’s task for the week but he forgot about it, and in the end, Ilhoon had to do it. 

“You could’ve just said you forgot it. Or not even that. Just a sorry. That would be enough,” Ilhoon said, slamming the door behind him.

He lays on their bed.

Even after so many years of living in this on-again, off-again relationship, they still shared the bed almost every time they had the chance. No matter how much they fight, it’s the comfort and each other’s warmth that brings them together again and again. They long for that warmth. They long for the familiarity.

Ilhoon thinks back to the first time they fought. The seven members were still living together and shared one room. When the fight happened, only Minhyuk and Huynsik were home. Ilhoon ran into their room, not wanting to talk to Sungjae. But the other boy went after him very soon and apologized. At that moment, Ilhoon felt like something in their relationship changed. It felt like it got deeper and the bond between them stronger.

A knock.

“Hyung,” Sungjae opens the door carefully and walks to the bed to sit next to his boyfriend. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Or maybe it will, but I’ll do everything to prevent it.” He leaned down. “I’m sorry.”

_ Ah, it’s the same,  _ Ilhoon thinks. He felt like crying, but only a bitter laugh came out. This is it. That something that makes the parting so difficult. After those long fights and spiteful words, for a short moment, you remember what it was like in the beginning. You suddenly feel that same love again, burning inside your heart, running through your veins. Every part of your body tells you to stay; to try again. And you obey to this feeling, only to collapse again to the ground after another fight. And you just can’t bring yourself to end this relationship. The good times you had, the memories you share, they all tell you to stay.

It’s been like this, and it will always be like this.

They cling to each other, terrified of letting go

Is it because of the person? Or the time you invested in the relationship? The familiarity? The comfort? The fear of being alone? Which one tells you to stay? Which one tells you that it’s okay to fight until you two are there for each other at the end of the day?

“It”s okay,” Ilhoon says. “I’m sorry, I overreacted.” He kissed Sungjae. “We had a rough week.”

Kiss follows kiss, clothes fall on the floor, the air is filled with moans and creaks. The time stops for a long moment, and it’s just them in the whole world. They are being connected in a way only they can. In a way they don’t want to be connected with each other. It’s intimate and vulnerable.

Having sex after a fight is always uplifting. It’s something addicting. Or it isn’t really the sex that’s addicting, more like the peace and harmony that follows it. The comfort in lying next to each other, tired after the long day and passionate lovemaking. It’s somehow blissful, something they would never give up on.

It’s the exact opposite of the act itself. During sex, it’s more about raw emotions and uncertainty.  _ Maybe this is the last time,  _ that’s what they think and it shows in every tender movement, in every whisper, in every loving glance. It’s rough but gentle at the same time, a strange mix that perfectly shows how their relationship truly is like. The hurtful words, the hatred, the fights during the day, and the vulnerability and gentle warmth during the night.

“Good night,” Sungjae says, rolling to his side to face Ilhoon.

“Good night, Sungjae,” the other man says and closes his eyes.  _ Tomorrow, _ he thinks.  _ I’ll leave this place tomorrow.  _

No, he won’t.

He can’t.

He opens his eyes and leans closer to Sungjae to kiss him. It’s warm, just like the hands that hold Ilhoon’s face. That familiar warmth. He doesn’t want to let go of it. No matter how unhealthy it is, he just can’t let go.


End file.
